Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Of Faith, Fear, and Fences

Yesterday I wrote about Champs' eyes and the possible rejection of both corneal transplants. This morning, Princssis, my sis-in-law, made this comment to my post: "So glad his vision improved over the weekend. We will be praying that this rejection stops! Just don't need any more delays in your move to Another State."

How interesting that she honed right in on my thoughts.

Yesterday when I got home from work, Champs and I went to Target to pick up all the medicines he would need for his trip. We left Sweet Girl with grandma and I was glad because it gave us a chance to talk. I was really glad, because, you see, I'm having a battle between faith and fear.

Champs and I decided nearly a year ago now to move to Another State. We wanted to wait until spring to allow me some time to heal from my 2nd hernia operation and let Sweet Girl finish preschool, as well as prepare the house for selling and take advantage of a better real estate market in the spring. We expected to move by June or July so we would have time to get Sweet Girl enrolled in school before the term started.

Well, fast forward to Christmas, when the hernias popped out again (talk about getting a lump of coal for Christmas!). I knew we couldn't move until I had them operated on, and as I've explained, I spent the next six months fighting with the insurance company to get approval for the full operation.

Then, in April, Champs needed another corneal transplant. We couldn't move until that and my surgery was done. Take another step to this month. The house is still not completely ready to go on the market, I will have major surgery on 7/29 and Champs is fighting rejection in both corneas.

'Scuze ME? What's goin' on here?!?!

It's funny, really. Not funny haha, but funny ironic in that get-out-of-here-Murphy-kind-of-way. Until we can put the house on the market, we are spinning our wheels. We haven't applied for jobs because we don't know when we'll get there. Without jobs, we don't know what kind of insurance we will have. And with my hernia happenings and Champs' cornea concerns, I started to get a little shaky. That's the fear part.

And yet, the odd thing is that we know it's the right thing to do. It's the right time to do it. That's the faith part. So, I got to Champs yesterday and told him all about my fears. What will we do if we don't have good benefits? The Big Company gives me a sense of security that I will be giving away when we move to Another State (and I think most wives and moms reading this will understand how important that sense of security is). I asked him just how sure he is that we should move. He is absolutely certain. I asked, have you prayed and prayed and prayed and, more importantly, do you KNOW you've heard the right answer? Yes, he has and yes, he did. We will find good jobs, we will have benefits, even if it means that Champs works 3rd shift (yuck).

That's the verdict. Faith wins (as it should) and fear loses. My heart is already moving to Another State, but my head is stuck here in the (apparent) safety of The Big City. Fear needs to leave, since
"God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)"

This is where the fence comes in. Champs and I have a good relationship and because we trust one another, we can talk about things like fear and faith. I want to build a fence around that, so that our faith stands firm and our fears are dispelled and our relationship stays strong.

and I really, really want for me to not have any more hernias

and for Champs to not reject his corneas

and to finally move to Another State where we belong.

So many questions, but one answer at least: Not fear. Faith.

Sorry for the sermon, folks... but I'm pretty much preaching to myself!

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