Thursday, June 23, 2005

The Amazing Adventures of Aquatica!

There is a mysterious creature with awesome superpowers. She can create icicles with her breath, absorb heat from her surroundings and turn from human to a reptile in a matter of moments. Her touch can instantly freeze bare flesh. Her skin can detect the tiniest source of heat and spread it within her body. When others are wilting from high tempetures and humidity, she is ready to fight crime, cook and clean or even shop. Her archenemy is the Ventilator 4500 superairconditioner at The Big Company. Her cloak of power is the denim shirt with a Big Company logo on it. She is...


Aquatica Abilities, Activate!
See, this is the deal. Before I had the gastric bypass, I was always warm - always comfortable. I never got cold. True statement. The entire first winter that Champs and I were married, my winter coat was velvet wrap with a nylon lining. It didn't even have buttons - just a tie around the waist. I didn't suffer at all with such a light coat. I was fine.

But then, I let Dr. PJ (see Millipedes and Aliens, 6/21) do the gastric bypass. During the surgery, he let a clamp come off my spleen and it bled out. He was able to save the spleen, but I think it plays an important part in the next statement: Since about 1 month post-op, I have been CONTINUALLY COLD. Not just "a little cold". No, we're talking touch-others-and-turn-them-into-ice cold. We're talking put-your-feet-on-the-hubby-in-bed-to-make-him-stop-snoring cold. To give you an idea of just how cold I mean, it was 97 degrees here in God's country today, and I was the ONLY Person who wasn't sweating. I had to leave my desk at The Big Company because I was so cold that I couldn't type. I was working up a wind-chill. So, I went outside and sat on a rock to get some body heat back into me.

The cold thing is so bad that I can barely go to the bathroom. Especially at work. I mean, what is WRONG with the maintenence people at The Big Company? Why do they have to keep the bathrooms 15 degrees colder than the rest of the building? Do they think it will kill germs? Do they not understand that this is the single most vulnerable place in the entire building and, if anything, it should be warmer than all the other zones? Do they not understand that a porcelain seat has the power to drain all the body heat out of a woman in 2.6 seconds? They must not. If they did, they would at least be sure the faucets had warm water. Honestly! This is a Fortune 500 company, one of the largest and most respected brand names in the world, and they can't pump warm water into the women's bathroom. It's pathetic, I tell you.

The doctors say the reason I'm so cold is because I've lost 111 pounds and I don't have enough padding to stay warm. Pffllt. I don't buy it. I still weigh more than most Oompa-Loompas, and they aren't cold. I'm about a size 12-14 now. There are PLENTY of people who are smaller than me, and they're running around happy as clams in the air conditioning. Not only that, I froze over about one month after the surgery. By that time, I had only lost 30 pounds. I still had LOTS of padding and I was solid ice.

This is where the Aquatica part comes in. Champs has a couple of theories about this cold thing:

1. Dr. PJ actually killed me on the table, but found a way to make me look and sound as though I am still alive to avoid a malpractice suite. Essentially, I am nothing more than a Stepford Wife walking around, only without the subservient attitude.
2. Dr. PJ, while attempting to save my spleen, gave me a blood transfusion. Only, it wasn't human blood, it was reptilian. It kept me from dying but turned me part reptilian so that I am now cold blooded and unable to produce my own heat. I must take my heat from outside sources, such as hot soaky baths or warm, sunny rocks.

I'm not sure which is correct. I have a technical, medical theory about it that involves platelets and ITP, but I won't bore you with that. The bottom line is, something IS wrong and I am always cold. Cold to the point that, when co-workers ask me how I am, I almost always reply "good, but cold". Cold to the point that, if the maracas were missing, you could use my chattering teeth to keep time.

So, I explained this to Smoothie. She decided that option two is the best option. Her proof of this is that, when I get cold, I get the worst goose flesh ever. She justs laughes and points at me and says, "ooooh, you're spottin!" My skin pebbles up so bad that I look like a freshly plucked chicken.

Just dip me in 11 secret herbs and spices and fry me up.


So anyway, Smoothie started calling me Aquatica, since I am part reptilian. Everytime I get cold and run for my denim shirt to put on (which is every day), she calles me Aquitica. It's true. I am part reptilian. If you can't find me, just look around. I'm probably in the bathtub, basking in 110-degree water.

Or out on a rock in the sun, soaking up heat.

Here's some comments from this post:
Geekwif said...

Girl, you are just too much! I have one correction to make, though. Pre-GB you were not comfortable - never. You were the complete opposite of what you are now. You were always hot! In the dead of winter, when everyone else was wrapped up in parkas and big furry boots with nothing but our beady little eyes showing and yet our eyeballs and nostrils still froze up instantly, you would step outside in your little velvet wrap, take a deep breath, and ask where the cabana boy was. It's true, I was there.

Oh, and I'm sorry I had to use the word "nostrils" on your blog. I know it's ugly but it was necessary.

6:18 AM
Geekwif said...

Oh, and another thing. You never did sweat. You never have, probably never will. No matter how hot you were, you never ever ever sweat. I despise that about you. It's just simply not fair.

6:26 AM
Princess said...

So....... we shouldn't ever tell you to "take a chill pill"???


8:06 AM
Blond Girl said...

Champs got a great laugh out of that one, Princess. You can tell me to take it, but only if you supply me with thermal underwear and a heating pad.

11:13 PM

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