You've heard the cliches before; "look before you leap", "don't judge a book by it's cover" and the ever popular "things aren't always what they seem". As I have always maintained, cliches are coined for a reason - generally because they are TRUE.
I have had the truth of these sage words driven home to me a number of times since we moved. Well, three times, to be exact. I think you will enjoy these little vignettes (from Dictionary.com, " A short, usually descriptive literary sketch") of my education.
1. April Freshness Can be Overrated.
At the beginning of all the unpacking, I opened a box of bottled items, stashing everything away in their appropriate spots. One of those items was a bottle of liquid acetaminophen for adults. It is called Apap Elixer and is essentially a stronger version of kid's Tylenol. It is actually cheaper than Tylenol, works faster and is better for a gastric bypass patient such as myself. I've been taking it for so long now that I no longer bother to measure. I know that two swigs is exactly the amount I need for relief of whatever.
A couple of days into settling, I stepped off our front deck and onto a large, sharp wood shard . I lightly twisted my ankle and hurt my heel where I landed on the wood. My ankle was soon better, but the pain in my heel intensified. Finally, I decided that I needed some Apap. I went to the bathroom and knocked back a quick swig. Right away, I knew something was wrong. With my mouth full, I looked down into the bottle. Instead of cherry elixir, I saw milky green liquid. And then I remembered: When I was packing my cleaning supplies, I was down to only about two cups of Downy softener, Mountain Spring scent. I didn't want to pack the large jug or throw away the Downy, so I had poured it into an empty Apap Elixir bottle.
I spit out the Downy and spent the next 15 minutes brushing my teeth, rinsing out my mouth with Diet Coke and drinking anything to take the flavor away. Downy may smell wonderful on my clothes, but let me tell you that it tasted horrible in my mouth! April Fresh, my hiney!
Later, I found a new bottle of Apap that I had packed with the other bathroom supplies. I opened it and checked it carefully before putting it in the bathroom medicine cabinet. And that's when I realized that I should have found it odd that, in a box full of laundry and cleaning supplies, I found one random bottle of medicine. Too bad it didn't occur to me when I first unpacked it....
2. The Upside Down Cicada.
According to the internet, there are something like 17 varieties of cicadas. One is a brown variety that is loud and harmless - but huge. Another is a black and white variety - also loud, harmless and huge. According to my research, these are not locusts. The 17-year cicada is actually set to emerge next summer, so while we've had a few "early ones", next June should be very loud.
One morning last week, Champs and I were taking Sweet Girl to school when I saw a black and white cicada upside down in a lawn; like it was standing on its head. I assumed it was stuck and showed it to Champs so he could rescue it (sorry, I don't touch bugs). As he nudged it out of the lawn, it gave a loud raspy buzz and then fell back, dead. Sweet Girl felt sorry for the "upside-down cicada" (I had to explain to her that "upside-down" was a position, not a bug species).
The next day, as we walked Sweet Girl to school, we again saw a bug; this time it was a classic brown cicada laying on the sidewalk on it's back. We passed it by and took the girl to school. On the way home, I stopped to nudge it. Based on its position and our experience with the previous bug, I was sure this one was dead. It was huge and interesting, though, so I thought to turn it over and investigate it. I stooped low over the big winged thing and nudged it over with my toe. As it rolled over and its wings were freed and its legs hit the pavement, it let out a huge rasping buzz and took to the sky, flying up to a tree. I let out the most blood curdling scream and danced in place, crying out "Oooo, that one was ALIVE!". Champs, in direct contridiction to his marital vow to protect me, stood laughing until tears ran down his cheeks as I danced and shook on the sidewalk. From now on, I will not nudge upside down bugs, regardless of how dead they may appear to be!
3. Sweet Girl's Bad Dream.
One day last week as Sweet Girl was getting ready for school, I was brushing her hair and she gazed up at me in the bathroom mirror. "Mom", she said gravely, "I had a bad dream last night." I crooned sympathetically and asked her what she had dreamt about.
"Well", said she very seriously, "there was this monster crap and it was scaring everyone. Everyone was screaming to get away." I held my breath for a moment to suppress my giggles and then said, "well, yes, honey, I am sure that was very scary. However, you know we don't say that word. You should say a monster poop".
Sweet Girl wrinkled up her nose, turned to look right up at me and said, "no, Mom... A monster CRAB."
"Oh, well", I weakly replied. "Yes, I can see how that would have been much scarier".
Yes, my friends, things are not always as they seem... so keep your eyes and ears open, your shoes on and your medicine cabinet properly stocked.
This is one of my favorite posts and generated a LOT of comments:
Prego said...
Reminds me of when my sister (true story) mistook Krazy Glue for her eye drops. Haw. Haw.
Later. I have to go take a monster crap. Oh.. excuse me. monster poop.
here via michele today. nice to see you again.
jsdaughter said...
I'm laughing so hard I'm having a hard time typing this comment! Thanks for sharing. I too am in Illini Heaven.. Small world :) Here via Michele..
Azgreeneyes said...
I'm sitting here lmao! Thanks for the late night grins! Here via Michele's...
Carmi said...
You are a wise Mom indeed. That's sage advice...I'll never look at the Downy in the same way again.
Thanks for popping by my blog. I'l so glad you're settling in and things are going well.
Geekwif said...
Yes, you are indeed the master. I bow....
#1 - Eeewwww!
#2 - Eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!!!
#3 - HA! There's a big monster poo chasing me! I've had some scary dreams in my life, but that's...well...that's just...well...I don't know what it is, but it made me laugh pretty darn hard!
Thumper said...
Oh man, my tummy was already a touch off before I read this...now, with the smell of Downy still in the air from my son's doing of his laundry, I'm really queasy... :)
kenju said...
I sure hope you had no long lasting effects from the Downy. I once read that you should NEVER pour anything that isn't edible in to a bottle that holds something edible. Good case in point!
Thanks for the visit, BG, it's been a long time.
vanx said...
Check, check, and double check.~,:^)
C said...
Monster poop would be much scarier.
MissMeliss said...
Don't feel bad about swigging Downey....I once accidentally brushed my teeth with Ben Gay.
Tracie said...
I will never look at Downy the same way again! I bet that really was gross.
Watch out-those "upside down" bugs are really dangerous.
Monster poop! Too funny!
Tia said...
Hi BG, and thanks for stopping by my blog with "name advice" earlier! This post was hilarious!!! I can't decide if drinking Downy or being chased by monster poop would be the worst?.....
HolyMama! said...
this was a delightful post, although swigging downy sounds so bad. so bad i almost felt guilty at giggling over it - almost. :D
Suzy said...
Thanks for the Downy warning. I tend to do things like what you did...lol. And then end up swallowing before I'm even aware that I did it. THATS the scary part. Oh, and monster CRAB....too cute!
Hope all is going well with the move!
Trish said...
This was hysterical!! wow girl do you have storiesto tell. You should seriously think of becoming a writer! way tooo funny!
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