Saturday, September 24, 2005

Cranky Couple's Capricious Cubital Crisis

And so we venture forth on our vocabulary lesson for today:

adj: Characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable

adj : of or relating to the elbow

n: An emotionally stressful event or traumatic change in a person's life.
n: A point in a story or drama when a conflict reaches its highest tension and must be resolved.

If you have noted the bolded words, you now know that this couple, consisting of Champs and his Blond Girl, has experienced an emotionally stressful event relating to an elbow and, somehow, it must be resolved.

Here's the story: Champs is on vacation this week. Being that today is Saturday, I promised him last night that I would get up with Sweet Girl this morning. We went to bed knowing that he would get to sleep in and that I would have to get up early. Now, the thing about us is that Champs is a very heavy sleeper while I am a light sleeper. Being that it is vacation and he does get to sleep late, I thought he might wake up in a, um, loving mood sometime during the night. And being the light sleeper that I am, almost every time he awoke, I did as well.

He woke up searching for his pillow, which I put back under his head. At some point he woke up to go to the bathroom. When he returned, he got into bed and promptly turned away, falling back to sleep. Later, I snuggled up close to him and he rolled away again. Clearly, the only thing on this man's mind was sleep.

Well, not the only thing. I think he also had revenge or destruction or something else on his mind. Because somewhere around 6:30 this morning, it happened: I got W-H-A-M-M-E-D in the back with his darn elbow at about Mach 7! For some reason, Champs loves to batter me with his elbows as he sleeps. He turns from his side to his tummy. His hands go under his head and his elbows go akimbo. He doesn't perform this maneuver slowly and gently; no, he flips over quickly. And every time - EVERY. FREAKING. DARN. TIME. - he gets me with that elbow of his!

This morning took the cake. The impact of his elbow square in my back jolted me out of sleep with a shocking intensity. I felt this bomb of pain exploding and radiating through my back. It took my breath away. I flipped over and banged on his elbow 8 or 9 times, beating it back. Through my tears I said "I HATE that stupid elbow of yours!" Champs just looked at me blearily, moved his elbow and rolled over. He didn't apologize or even realize what he'd done. He just fell back asleep.

Where he still is. And will be for awhile yet.

I'm not mad at him - hard to be mad for wanton destruction performed while sleeping, right? But I'm not feeling overly loving, either. How do you teach a man who can sleep through WW3 that he can't be beating up his wife with his elbow? I'm telling you, this is an emotionally stressful, tension-filled event that must be resolved!

Editor's Note, 11:02 am: I was just checking my e-mail and came along the bible verse of the day that I get from Air 1. According to them, today's verse is: So get rid of all malicious behavior and deceit. Don't just pretend to be good! Be done with hypocrisy and jealousy and backstabbing.(1 Peter 2:1 NLT) How appropriate, huh? tee hee!

Here's some comments from this post:
Christi said...
It's sort of like waking up from a dream mad at your significant other for something they did in your dream. You know it's wrong, but you can't help feeling a bit of anger towards them!!!

Sam said...
BG - just get a bigger bed. We have a king size and it alleviates all such problems.

TC said...
hard to be mad at him for something he does while he is sleeping and yet hard not to be grouchy about it too.

utenzi said...
Michele sent me your way, Blonde Girl. Like with so many other problems, duct tape is the solution here. Hell, you might even start to use it for things other than elbow protection--but that's a good place to start. Just give it a try!

Mrs. Darling said...
Came from Micheles but am wondering how I missed you in the past because your side links indicate that we haunt a lot of the same places. Sorry you didnt get "you know what" during the night. The elbow isn't even a close second. tee hee

E said...
Oh I cannot even imagine elbow battering. I'd push him off the side of the bed or something. You deserve some lovin and not beating!

ribbiticus said...
ooh, that must've really hurt. short of putting a pillow between you, don't know what else you can do. :)

Champs said...
I want to come on here and publicly apologize to my wife, Blond Girl. I didn't even know I did it until I read this post. There have been a few times where I wake up just as I am about to turn over and deliver this crushing blow and stop. I love her with all my heart and would NEVER do anything to hurt her. As for the lovin', Don't worry, I will take care of that..:-)
I always feel terrible when I elbow her and she tells me about it. I will kiss it and make it better.

Canadian Mark said...
I know this kind of sounds backwards, but I feel sorry for Champs. There's nothing worse than the torment and guilt that can be caused by our own unconscious actions. I hope your back is feeling better too. Michele sent me.

Shannin said...
My solution? Keep two dogs between you! Yes, I get the occassional paw to the face but a lot less painful than a human elbow!

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